Miscellaneous Garbage, Vol. 2, ed. 1

As my readers will probably not remember, I (very) briefly had an e-mail ‘newsletter’ that was a bit like a blog. It was called Miscellaneous Garbage, which was probably a pretty apt title, and indeed, could be said to describe much of the Internet. I like the phrase Sequential Oblivion, but I’m not sure it actually fits with the contents of the blog. Back when I used e-mail a lot, I used to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking up clever subjects lines, and I think I was pretty good at it. Now I can barely summon up the mental energy to write an e-mail, leave alone being clever with the subject line, which I am usually tempted to leave blank. I also spent a lot of time thinking up usernames that were cleverly symbolic or amusing. However, I digress. I will for this post revive the format I used in Misc. Garbage.

Movie Review:

The movie I watched most recently (if I recall correctly) was All About Eve (on New Year’s Eve, appropriately enough). Old movies are sometimes less predictable (which I appreciate–I’ve consumed so much fiction that the truly new or surprising is rare), because storytelling and filming have changed since movies were invented, not too long ago. This movie is about a woman who thoroughly insinuates herself into the life of an acclaimed stage actress, who is played by Bette Davis. I think it took longer to tell this story than a modern film of the same story would have done, but I wouldn’t say it dragged, it just moved slowly. As for my opinion of it, I found it worth watching and quite interesting.

Music Video:

Foster the People: Houdini

I enjoy music videos that have a narrative.

News:

Who knows. Are we heading into a glorious future, or are we tail-spinning into a hellish dystopia? WordPress refuses to recognize dystopia as a word. Is that significant? In all seriousness, there seems to be both grave cause for concern (such as global warming!) and for hope (sustainable solar energy!).

Gun Control:

Please control your guns.

Lost and Found:

We have, regrettably and regretfully, had to shut down our Lost and Found section due to Fraudulent Claims and the distressingly large number of crying children who have been “lost” (we suspect deliberately) near the premises.

Classified Ads:

If anyone is interested in paying me to write, I’m available! But I will need the money in advance. In gold sovereigns.

Good News:

This section is difficult to fill, because although good news must surely exist, it is usually carefully hidden under the cobweb of lies and hysteria that is the 24-hour news cycle. Perhaps you have good news you would care to share with the Internet?

Editorials:

We don’t seem to have any editorial submissions. We could blame this on the apathy of the readership, but we think we know where the blame really lies: with Evan, the intern.

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5:30 AM, New Year’s Day

Still asleep, I heard a clattering noise. Once I had awakened sufficiently to speak, I said “What are you doing, Draconis?” who replied that he wasn’t doing anything. We then located the source of the noise–it was coming from the window well.  Draconis got a flashlight and shone it through the window; an animal had fallen into the well. “I think it’s a dog.” Cats were also mentioned, though I was secretly hoping for a fox.

Not wanting to leave the poor creature scrabbling at the window all night (which would render us quite unable to sleep, in any case), we got up and donned boots and coats for the winter night. I advanced first and was startled to shine my light not upon a dog but a raccoon–I immediately stepped backwards out of its sight, as if that alone would protect me. I was both relieved and disgusted–relieved because the animal sufferer was not, in fact, a dog (who would require looking after) and disgusted because I hate raccoons. I consider them to fall firmly under the heading of ‘pest animal’ and they can give one rabies, to boot.

We began debating the necessary next step.  Should we wait for the morning, and call animal control? Could the raccoon be assisted out immediately, giving us peace and quiet?  We looked for a plank to help it out–there was no plank, and the only other wood was two spindly dowels which would never support the weight of a raccoon. After considering and dismissing mops and brooms, Draconis decided to try lowering a tall stepladder into the well. Before he even had a chance to brace it against the ground, the raccoon had clambered up and away, dashing across the lawn to find cover under Sven the tree.

Relieved that no one had been hurt or bitten, we returned to bed. May the coming year bring you fewer raccoons than it has us.