What I want to do: write a thoughtful post about ME/CFS. One that makes fellow sufferers say, “Yes, that’s exactly how it is! You’ve captured my feelings exactly”. One that helps people without ME/CFS understand what we go through.
What I am currently capable of doing: . . . not the above.
So, instead of that post, you’re going to get a post that requires less of me. What I’m doing right now: watching the Brother Cadfael mystery series (set in England during the 12th century). And noodling around on the internet. Yeah, doing two things at once is a good recipe for not really enjoying either one of them, but the impulse is difficult for me to resist. ME/CFS makes me restless and then robs me of the ability to concentrate or perform sustained physical activity. Whatcha gonna do.
Recently, in an effort to cut down on feelings of despair that accompany the inactivity enforced by my illness, I have taken to making a mental checklist on bad days: what are the one or two things I really need to do today? If I can decide what those are, I kill two birds with one stone: I am less likely waste my energy on nonessentials and waffling about what to do, and I feel less guilty for all the things I didn’t do. Somewhat ironically, setting my priorities often allows me to do more than just the basics.
It’s true that sometimes I don’t manage even the most basic things I wanted from a day, but I’m learning how to move on from it. To forgive myself, and extend myself the same understanding I would give to someone else. I do have bad days (weeks, months), but I like to think I do what I can. And that’s all I can ask of myself.